I'm feeling like a terrible parent because i'm running out of things to do with her. Also, the teething gel isn't helping much and the hyland's teething tablets aren't doing anything. She just had her 4 mos. check up last week so I know she's not sick. But sometimes she grunts and fusses and I just dont know what to do to make her happy. I made a play area in the living room. Well, actually the living room is a play area now. I've been giving her baby acetaminophen in a little dropper for when I can tell she's uncomfortable. I think I figured out how to give it to her without her spitting it back up. I hope there's no harm in it. But today, even after some drops she was still fussy. I think she had pretty bad gas but I kept burping her and she kept giving me really good burps.
I finally looked at her after an hour of her being upset and just started to cry saying, "I dont know what you want". Sometimes I feel victimized by this whole thing. I love her so much but its so conflicting. On days like this I remember why I didn't want kids and how hard it is. It's so hard.
I am very proud of her. She's grabbing for everything and yesterday did great watching me make food when I gave her some measuring cups to suck on. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing great and raising a happy baby and other days I worry that I'm not meeting her needs. She's still waking up every three hours at night to eat, but then she goes right back to sleep. She sleeps from about 8p-6a which isn't too bad at all. She wakes up energized and ready and after a couple of hours goes into cranky mode. Sometimes she wants to eat, sometimes she's bored and sometimes her gums are bothering her.
I finally got her to sleep around 3p today. Which is why I have time to type this. I was so relieved when she fell asleep. We both needed to re-charge really badly. I was getting burnt out and feeling like the shittiest mom ever today. So she's been asleep almost 1.5 hours now and I think the acetaminophen helps her sleep for longer. Last week her naps lasted no longer than 15 minutes!
She's making tons of noises and reaches out for everything. My mom calls her the claw. Jeremy still calls her squishy bear and I've been calling her pumpkin head due to her big, wobbly head. She has the best smile still and when she's happy, she's happy. Sometimes she looks very focused. She's practicing drinking by herself with an empty plastic bottle & doing really well. She likes to go after the ducks in our bath time. I still love to bathe with her. She's a great swimmer, kicker, splasher and loves her bath time. She makes a lot of very loud noises now.
We put her on the mats for tummy time a couple times a day and she puts her head up into an upward facing dog yoga position. She moves her knees a lot and I feel like any day she's gonna prop herself up. She can now roll herself from side to side but not from back to front. She tries, hard, with lots of accompanying grunts. She's absolutely relentless.
She's been really good in her Pikkolo carrier and we've been practicing with the Ergo lately. I'm making some drool pads for her Ergo and plan to use it a lot more often. It's a little lighter than the Pikkolo.
We found out last night that Jeremy's grandpa Hank died. He was 98. I didn't feel too sad because I've never met Hank. It did make me think of my grandparents, John and Roberta and how much they would've loved Noelle. I'm not missing my family terribly lately. I've been feeling very reclusive, unsure and like a medicated pad.
I think some great new things to think about are: taking it easier on myself. Not being afraid of when the baby is just upset and cant figure it out and just some general meditation on serenity. Trying to get rid of my controlling tendencies is really rough. It's so funny to think that I have control over very much. Anyways, I'm hoping for a better evening! I'm re-charged now and ready to try again.
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